Shortly after I was married an acquaintance of mine (also married) wrote to say that marriage was much harder than she thought it would be. She was a romantic-type and was of the mind that after they were married, her beloved would always think of her first, wouldn’t ever annoy her and would keep up the same degree of affection and devotion that he showed her while they were dating. These friends are strong Catholics and they are devoted to one another, but lets just say she hit the wall of reality pretty hard when she realized just how unexpectedly un-romantic life can be living with another person. She couldn’t quite reconcile the reality of an imperfect husband with the fanciful notion she’d had of love and marriage while she was still single, and it took her some time to realize that perhaps she, herself, wasn’t perfect either. It was understandably a rocky first couple of years.
Although
I've certainly been there at different points in my life, I think I might have
had it a bit easier than my friend. I’m not a hopeless romantic. I don’t
particularly like overly sentimental gifts like cards (I throw them out after
reading) or jewelry (I don’t wear a lot) or even flowers sometimes
(usually overpriced and they don’t last long). In fact, I dislike Valentines
Day so much so that one year I told my husband that if he absolutely had to buy
me something, that he should buy it on February 15th. At least then the droopy flowers
and waxy chocolate would be half the price. And lest you think I’m this
miserly, heartless stoic, my husband is usually of the same mind – we’re
miserly, heartless stoics together (a recipe for true love, eh?). Our love for
each other runs more in the vein of taking the garbage out when asked, concert
tickets for Christmas or surprise picnic lunches. Those are the things that
speak love to me much more than any card or earrings ever could, but it’s
certainly something that could have caused a ruckus in our marriage, had we not
talked about it and worked it out early on. (See, I'm learning!)
I mean
there’s nothing overly wrong with being a sentimental romantic or preferring
diamonds to picnics. Whatever floats your boat, I say. The difficulty comes
when our expectations and the cold hard reality not only don’t jive, but don’t
even live on the same planet – like my friend's expectations of her husband. It’s a sad state of affairs when the
disparity between our assumptions and the sensible world affects spouses so
deeply that it threatens the foundations of their marriage. It makes me wonder
if unrealistic expectation is one of the main reasons couples have such
difficulty adjusting to one another in the first place. I remember a priest
once implying that it’s quite normal to wake up one morning after marrying
thinking, “What the heck have I done? Who IS this guy?” You know the
honeymoon's over at that point, he said. Wow, really? I don’t necessarily
think it's good for everyone to be overly pragmatic and live without any hopes,
dreams or flights of fancy, but I have to believe that, with a bit of work on
our part, hopes and dreams can coexist, harmoniously nestled within the cocoon
of reality.
There’s
an atrocious movie out there called Hall Pass (for the love of all that’s holy,
don’t watch it) which tells the story of two couples who are at varying stages
of disenchantment with their marriages. Talk about disconnect, the two wives
decide to “give” their husbands a hall pass – a week of “total freedom” from
the While I could manage (barely) to overlook the nudity and sexual innuendo throughout the film, the underlying principles – that marriage is basically meaningless, that it fulfills all of women’s dreams and none of men’s, that men aren’t free to choose who they marry but rather are tricked or forced into it and that women love their husbands only out of a sense of duty – were hard to ignore, mostly because they’re unquestionably untrue. It’s movies like these that plant those crazy, whacked-out notions in our brains without our even knowing it – false impressions or opinions that make us unhappy with ourselves and with others. I mean, I thought choosing a person to be with is what people did before they got married, not after. And remind me again - how are women completely fulfilled by the office of marriage and men completely unfulfilled by it? That’s ridiculous on both counts! But it’s the collective thought of our society (and therefore present in movies, commercials and even the news) that marriage is bondage, that restraint can’t possibly equal freedom and that the minute life gets difficult you should move on or you’ll never be happy. And those ideas are just as pie-in-the-sky as a woman entering a marriage thinking her husband won’t ever be selfish, leave the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up.
What a beautiful reflection. We've been married six years, and I think the biggest realization after being married a little while was that I brought myself with. What I mean by that is that I was a better version of myself when hubby and I were dating and engaged. Sadly many of my weaknesses came creeping back after we settled into marriage, and I realized that I still had to fight against all my selfish tendencies. It is easy to get caught up in the "what's in it for me" rather than asking "How can I give". Something that I think we will be learning and growing in for the rest of our lives. Thankfully I am blessed with a wonderful hubby, who also brings flowers out of the blue to work once in awhile. :) He is a keeper.
ReplyDeleteAmen GraceofAdoption! I think for a while I thought that I would magically become someone else when I got married, and shortly thereafter realized, as you did too, that I was still the same person with the same difficulties. :) The good thing was that now I had my husband here to help me out with them. Heh heh.
DeleteOne of the talks that dave and I give on marriage prep is called Expectations, stages of marriage and spiritual tools for marriage. It addresses all that you spoke of. And then there was today - why living together is a load of hooey. These couples were vocal and let us know why they thought that living together is wise. It wasn't at all confrontational and led to some good discussion. But, man oh man, is there ever a load of work to do out there and so few labourers...
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