We’re celebrating our 10th anniversary this year,
a gigantic milestone for our secular culture as we’ve been married almost three
times as long as most celebrities and 226 times longer than Brittany Spears was during first marriage (it only lasted 55 hours).
When people find out that it’s a “big one” for us, they inevitably ask what
our secret is for a happy marriage and I must confess that I don’t have
one. I don’t think there is “a
secret” to happy marriages. Good
marriages come in all shapes and sizes and can be based on just about anything
of which you can imagine. I
suppose if pressed to give you a basic recipe for a good marriage, it would be
this. There must be love – a
solid, unshakeable love that can weather tornados and sunny skies, calm seas as
well as shipwrecks. Second there
must be a never-ending ocean of forgiveness. Third there must be healthy doses of humility and forgetfulness
(especially for those of us blessed with an ‘elephant’s memory’) and fourth,
which perhaps I should have mentioned first, we must call down Divine Help for
every moment, but especially for the times when we’re at our ropes’ end, unable
to turn to anything or anyone except the Maker of All Things for help and
guidance. After that, the sky’s
the limit for the makings of a good marriage.
It’s all very fascinating though, isn’t it - the makings of
a good marriage? I’m wholly
intrigued when I come across couples that are making things work – and thriving
within their marriage, most especially when they’re doing so in unconventional
ways. Like this couple: two
self-described economics nerds who pay each other for everything from chores to childbearing. They’ve established
this rather elaborate bidding system based on game theory and behavioural
economics (around which I had a hard time wrapping my brain) in which they
assign value to just about everything, in the quest for equality, autonomy and
fairness in their marriage and life together. They’ve completely separated their finances and record, in
little black books somewhere, how much they owe each other, and how much
they’re owed for the daily offloading of their “shared goods or services”. At the time the article was written,
Mrs owed Mr $80,421.10 from when she attended grad school, but they were in
negotiations in order to “pay” her for the fact that she gave birth to their
two children – mulling over whether to give her a “lump sum payment to fix the
imbalance.” If there were a sixth
love language, for these folks, it would be money.
But to my mind, it’s all rather jarring. I mean paying your spouse to do dishes,
take care of the children, for trips to Taco Bell or even bear children, to me, seems
fruitless and unproductive if you’re a team, one in mind, body and spirit. It sounds mercenary - weighing and
measuring every. little. thing. down to the last ounce and milligram. And it doesn’t sound much like love. It seems more like cold-hearted capitalism
- not so much a “love and honour and cherish until death does you part”, but
rather a “sign on the dotted line and you will get what you want” type
deal. Can a marriage survive in that kind of environment? What happens if your marriage ceases to
give you what you want?


But I’m just going to say it. This would not work for my husband and I. For me to adopt these practices or
something like them would ruin me.
Love would become a farce – a series of weights and measures, fairness
and money would become gods in their own right and gratitude would become
nonexistent. As Ann Voskamp said,
you aren’t actually thankful for something if you think you earned it. That’s pride, not gratitude.” I don’t write Walmart a letter every
time I buy something there. A
fair-n-square exchange happened.
They wanted a certain amount for something, I thought that was fair and
paid it. What is there to be
grateful for? Nothing. And isn’t gratitude a very important
part of love? Absolutely it
is. No, for me to flourish in my
marriage, love – which for me means time spent with my spouse, physical affection
and deeds of service - must be freely given, freely received and
unconditional. In our marriage, my
husband and I give 100% all the time.
There’s no 50-50 split or a little black book recording how many times
he did the laundry and how many times I’ve done the dishes. We just do what we need to do, in the
moments we need to do them, for love of one another. We don’t always do them WELL, mind you (there **may** be a
bit of grumbling here and there) but at least we do them freely – which speaks love
to me in a language that doesn’t require words. If you read the more in-depth version of this couple’s way
of life, they insist that they have ways in which to incorporate “free love” into
their relationship, yet I couldn’t see how. I still found their ways of loving each other exacting. For me, real and true love would not
survive within that framework.
But what do I know?
I’ve only been married 10 years.
And perhaps your life experiences have given you a different philosophy
to go on, just as this couples’ experiences have given them. If so and things are working well for
you, then God bless you! I suppose
that as long as the love between you and your spouse grows in some way every
day, that there is room within the micro-economy of your family for God, and
that your non-spiritual practices are in line with your spiritual practices then
good on you!! On second thought maybe
I do have a secret to a happy marriage after all. Find out what works for you and your spouse, and then do it
wholeheartedly and without reserve. This couple is, and so far it’s worked for them.
When I read their story, my heart shriveled up. I'm not a mathematical sort of girl so the idea of having to deal with numbers every day makes me panic a little, but it strikes me as a very cold arrangement. How can love possibly be measured or quantified?
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, Sarah - give 100% all the time. Sometimes your 100 is a smaller 100, but it's everything you've got.
Thanks Tess! It made my heart shrivel up too - and I'm "ok" at maths. ;)
DeleteCongrats on 10 years! Keep it up :-).
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks so much!!
DeleteBeautiful, God bless you both!
ReplyDelete