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| Pic courtesy of Graphics Fairy |
A couple weeks ago I saw the new Thor movie. Highly entertaining, it was. There was action, adventure, a strong,
handsome hero, a beauty to save and evil to fight - a winning combination for
any story.
There was however one unnecessary scene - one in which Thor,
shirtless and busting out with more musculature than three normal-sized men,
cleans himself up after a battle.
There was no real point to the scene - Thor finishes washing and goes
over to the window and gazes out towards the sun that is setting over the city,
saying nothing. End of Scene.
I immediately felt uncomfortable because the scene was
overtly sexual and there were children in the audience. I instinctively felt that it was a 30-second
clip shamelessly pandering to lusting women around the world (and maybe some of
the men?). Eye candy, or so my
friends have called it.
Several years ago, driving back from a work-related
conference, my female co-workers and I happened to pass a popular strip
club. One co-worker laughingly
began regaling us with tales of her own exploits experienced at the place. I don’t think I heard a word. I just remember being astonished to
hear that there were strip joints where women go to watch men take off their
clothes. Really? I’d never considered such a thing. Why, I wondered, would women want to
watch that?
Because we have eyes and we’re attracted to the male body. It’s been said over and over again that
addiction to pornography is almost exclusively a man’s realm. Men are visual creatures, as the
science suggests, and so they’re more responsive to what pornography can
deliver: nakedness without requirements.
Well be that as it may, the last few decades have ushered women into the
realm of pornography addictions in a more intense way. I’ve been noticing more and more women
coming out with stories and admissions of their own struggles with pornography
and other sexual proclivities, just the same as any man. It might surprise you, but women can
grow into and develop any sin, regardless of natural inclination, if they work at
it. They might enter into the
addiction with different motives, but the end point is the same. And why wouldn’t women suffer from addictions to porn? Without a firm
grasp of moral certitudes, there is no earthly reason why a woman would not
indulge her fantasies, especially when they involve good looking, half dressed,
lubed-up men on a screen the size of my house. Feels good, must be right.
Yeah. We are
definitely not in Kansas anymore.
Perhaps feminism went as far as it could possibly go in attempting
to turn women into men. Women, in order to prove themselves equal to all things
‘manly’, might have trained themselves (or their daughters - ugh!) to be equal
to their counterparts even in particular sins and failings. What, men can be easily addicted to
pornography? Well so can we!
Or perhaps women have just tired of fighting and succumbed
to social and peer pressure, what with the general decline in morality seen
everywhere. As a result, soft and hardcore porn for women has slowly but
surely, become the “norm”.
Regardless of the reasons, women have come to develop a real
and concerning problem with pornography. Matt Fradd, a well-known Australian Catholic apologist, interviewed Christian musician Audrey Assad a few weeks ago. She shared her thoughts on female porn
addiction as she herself has struggled with it. Assad says,
“…it’s a lot more
common than anyone would like to believe, and the sooner we learn how to
address it, the sooner more and more young women can find freedom in
community.”
I also came across a young woman named Jessica who writes at the blog Beggar’s Daughter. Her
story is beautiful; how she came back from the darkness of addiction to
pornography. There was one part of
her testimony that cut me right through:
“I got caught
[indulging her porn addiction] my first year of college and the dean of women
said to me, “We know this wasn’t you; women just don’t have this problem.””
Although that dean probably thought she was helping Jessica,
the dean’s words pushed her right over the edge. She gave up, and gave herself up to porn, completely after
that. It wasn’t until a second
dean of women at a new college spoke up that Jessica’s life turned around. She said:
“We know that some of
you struggle with pornography and masturbation, and we want to help you.”
I am a dean of women, and up until now I’ve been fairly
naïve to the subject of women’s porn.
Not that I’ve ever counseled any student like that first dean of women
in Jessica’s story, I haven’t. But
because of what I’ve been reading, I have taken this issue to heart and will
attempt to emulate the second dean of women if I’m ever faced with a struggling
student.
So if you are reading this and you are a woman struggling
with this addiction, there is help.
There are resources within your church and community, starting with your
pastor or priest and moving on up to counseling and psychological help. Audrey Assad recommends confession,
accountability and counseling in overcoming pornography addiction, and that, in
my mind, is another winning combination.
And fight the shame that comes with sin. The devil will tempt you with
beautiful, shiny things before you sin, and tell you you’re worthless afterwards. So when you’re
sitting there, feeling boatloads of shame and beating yourself up with a
thousand sins and failings, he’s happy.
Yet what the devil tells you is not the truth. Dr. Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, says shame is
the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and
therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Guilt says: you did something
bad. Shame says: you are bad, at your core. And that is
decidedly untrue. You are a
Daughter of the Father. You are
good, pure and lovely at your very core.
Nothing can change that.
And you are always, always
worthy of love, no matter what you have done, by virtue of the fact that you
are created in the image and likeness of God. Full stop.
Dr. Brown also says that shame resilience comes from
practicing courage and reaching out.
“…the way to fight
shame and to honor who [you] are is by sharing [your] experience with someone
who has earned the right to hear it – someone who loves [you], not despite [your]
vulnerabilities, but because of them.”
Two more suggestions from Brene to help with shame
resilience: 1. Own your story.
You’re the only one who can tell it.
And 2. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you really
love – someone whom you’re trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown. Be nice. We would never talk to others the way we talk to
ourselves.
And in the end, sexual sins are just one of many deadly sins.
We have been brought up to think
that they are the worst possible sins to commit; that they are bigger and
badder than say, dishonouring our parents or coveting your neighbours’
things. They aren’t. All things being equal, sin is sin is
sin, whether it’s pride, lust or envy.
We all break different Commandments at different times – we confess and
move on. When someone comes to you
with this problem, be empathetic, be compassionate. You really have no idea what you would have done given different
times, places, backgrounds, experiences or temperaments than you were blessed
to have. Because there, but for the Grace of God, go I.
We've heard about a resource for those suffering with porn addictions called the Serenellians (Serenelli being the man who raped and killed St. Maria Goretti and later confessed and converted back to the Lord). Here's the link for an apostolate of hope for the sexually addicted. http://www.pornnomore.com/Serenellians.htm
ReplyDeleteThis is more common than we think and secular women just laugh and joke about it. Thanks for bringing this to light! Just a correction St. Maria Goretti was never raped by Alessandro, he attempted to but she resisted and that's when he stabbed her 14 times. Sorry, she is my favorite saint so I know her story pretty well :)
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, you're absolutely right. Thanks for the clarification!
DeleteWhat an excellent article written on one of the seemingly unknown issues of our age. I have not yet seen the new Thor movie myself, yet your comment about that short scene of Thor hits the nail on the head. How many movies or TV contain these short little snippets whose only purpose is to create a sexual hunger in women or men, and yet how easily are they dismissed as non-problematic, or no big deal since it is not an actual 'sex scene'. Thank-you for bringing deeper awareness of this sort of temptation to light.
ReplyDeleteThe Matt Fradd link doesn't work anymore. Someone could try acculturated.com/daily-scene/matt-frads-interview-with-audrey-assad-on-female-porn-addiction/ but that looks like just an excerpt (and I was not a great fan of the ads in the margin of that site).
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. I guess Matt Fradd removed the interview? I know it used to be there.
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