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I’m a lucky lady. My husband and I have been married now for 8 wonderful years. It’s been a fantastic adventure – we’ve travelled all over the place, (most recently checking out the Bahamas and Hilton Head Island) quit our jobs and moved to basically the middle of nowhere following God’s call to work at a small Catholic college, endured deaths in the family, lost jobs and unemployment, and many other joys and sorrows. My hubby and I are a solid team – we sometimes think each other’s thoughts. After 8 years I can see that our marriage is firmly grounded, and I attribute that to the cross we’ve been given in our life together - infertility. In eight years, we have not been blessed with children.
Our infertility is generally not a topic of discussion; I’m
not the type to share about it unless I know of someone who’s suffering with it
as well. I have a few close
friends and family members who know the more intricate details, but that is
all. It’s such an intensely
personal subject that I prefer to not talk about it for the most part. But I felt God asking me, telling me it
was perhaps time to share a bit of my experience with a wider audience. These thoughts are a few things I’ve
learned on the journey, which might help a reader or two struggling with sub-fertility
or infertility themselves, or those who are watching a loved one struggle with
it.
God doesn’t owe me kids.
God doesn’t owe anyone anything, in fact. A person doesn’t build up "credit" with
God and then cash it in for what you want, like we do with our credit card
points. But I mistakenly went
through life thinking so about having kids. If I just live my life according to God’s law, he’ll give me
exactly what I want, exactly when I want it. Even the Catechism states it, point blank:
A child
is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The “supreme gift of marriage” is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece
of property, an idea to which an alleged “right to a child” would lead.” CCC
2378
Children are a gift, not a right. And we don’t follow God because of what
we’ll get out of it, we follow Him because of who he is within himself, and
because he is our loving creator.
Doing things in the way He set out for us contributes greatly to our own
happiness and contentment, but it doesn’t by any stretch mean we get what we
want exactly when we want it, even if what we want is good and holy. St. Frances de Sales in his book Introduction to
the Devout Life says, “We must be patient
not only under sickness, but further, we must bear the particular complaint
which God sends us; take the place where He wills us to be amongst those with
whom He surrounds us, and under the privations He appoints for us, and so on
with all other trials.”
A person
does not have to undergo every, single medical surgery or technique known to
man in order to have children.
Some couples have the drive to do as much as they possibly
can (and then some) to have a baby and God bless them, but many, like us, do
not have that drive. Infertility
is one of the top stressors in life and can lead to many hardships, including
broken marriages. Only you and
your spouse know your limits, and we reached ours early on. It is, however, important to be sure
that you adopt the proper Christian outlook - viewing children as the “greatest
good” of marriage (Gaudium et Spes, 50) and, as a priest friend of mine said,
be willing to sacrifice to make [having a baby] a reality. But temper this willingness to
sacrifice with prudence – know your limits. If treatments start getting in the way of your marriage,
contributing undue physical or mental stress for either party or causing severe
financial hardship (and even in Canada, many Church-approved treatments are not
covered), it might be prudent to stop them. Do what you can within the Church’s guidelines, fix what you
can fix, discern with your spouse, maintain a deep prayer life and connection
with The Spirit, and after that, it’s up to God.
I’ll
probably have to buy my own underwear when I’m old.
This one was a hard one for me to confront. I am from a family with many siblings,
and so my assumption was always that when I’m old, my kids would take care of
me. When I finally sat down to think about the very real
possibility that I might end up in a home surrounded by strangers when I’m old,
it upset and frightened me. Of
course, after much prayer I realized that God takes care of me now, and will
continue to do so – so while I don’t have to worry about it, it just goes to
show you that infertility has far-reaching effects on a person’s life.
Mourning
is warranted. It doesn’t mean I
don’t trust God.
Infertility is a significant, ongoing and deeply rooted
loss. It is not just a physical
condition; it is also a psychological state, which couples don’t just “get
over”. It needs to be
mourned. Many women have admitted
that they still experience thoughts and feelings related to infertility even
many years after they’ve had children.
Those thoughts and feelings are deep and lasting, and while the effect
they have on a person changes over time, they never, ever fully go away. There’s a beautiful scene in the movie
“Julie and Julia” where an older Julia Child receives a letter from her sister,
obviously telling her that she’s having a baby, and while she is happy for her
sister, Meryl Streep brilliantly portrays the reaction many an infertile woman
has experienced – as she dissolves into tears upon reading her sister’s letter.
If you’re suffering with infertility, find out what’s
hardest to handle and limit your exposure, if you can. Baby showers are particularly hard for
me to attend, so I stopped going to them.
I also pray for my married friends and family to have children – and
then I am usually not surprised or blindsided when they announce their
pregnancies. And even when a
pregnancy is announced, I usually have my “moment” of sadness, privately, with
my husband. This is all part of
mourning for me. Mourning the loss
of your fertility is honest and forthright, and no more means a distrust of God
or that you lack the virtue of Hope than mourning the loss of your grandmother
means you don’t hope she’s in heaven with God.
For
those looking on, don’t make assumptions.
Infertility affects one in every eight couples – that’s a
whopping statistic. Just because a
couple doesn’t have children after a few years of marriage, doesn’t always mean
they want it to be that way. I’ve
had many the little old lady ask me disdainfully when we’re going to “decide”
to start our family, tell me that I’m running out of time, or ask me if I’m
“practicing up” when I’m with other people’s children. This, my friends, is unhelpful.
Unhelpful and painful.
Unsolicited
advice is also (usually) not helpful.
I used to take much of the unsolicited advice to heart –
being bothered by and stressing about the diet restrictions suggested by
strangers, or taking their advice to try to “just relax”. The suggestions ranged from common
sense advice, like caffeine and alcohol shouldn’t be consumed in large
quantities if a gal is looking to conceive (although there are plenty of drug
addicts and alcoholics that have children), to the downright bizarre, like eat
more “womb fruits” or drink elderberry tea. I’m not saying that these suggestions don’t ever work, maybe
they have for your sister’s cousin’s niece, but many of the women who struggle
with infertility don’t need your advice, they need your love and support –
regardless of what they eat or drink or how they live their lives. If they want advice, they will
ask for it. These days when this
happens to me, I smile and say thank you, knowing they mean well.
“Spouses
to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full
of meaning, in both human and Christian terms. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity of
hospitality, and of sacrifice.” CCC 1654
And
finally, being ‘open to life’ can also mean being open to the life God wants
for you.
I’ve taken a few different natural family planning
classes, but consistently I hear the phrase “be open to life”. It’s usually said to encourage couples
to generously accept new life by having an honest openness to God in regards to
their fertility, instead of limiting their family size from the very beginning
and viewing new life as burdensome, instead of the gift it is. My husband and I always thought we
would have as many children as God wanted us to have, but I had no idea that
might mean none. Zero is a number
– and it’s the number that God has chosen for us at this moment. And while we wait (not-so) patiently,
in expectation of His call to us, for us, being open to life means accepting
and loving the life He has laid out for us. There are as many different callings as there are people in
the world. The Church requires
married couples, not just religious, to minister to people in every walk of
life. Special callings to the
missionary lifestyle or, in our case, a husband-and-wife Dean of Students at a
Catholic Liberal Arts college sometimes require couples without children. I knew one couple when I was a
kid, who dedicated their lives to teaching natural family planning, not just to
other couples, but also to those who eventually became instructors (my parents
were some of those instructors).
Hundreds of couples have learned NFP and with it, the depth and beauty
of the Church’s teaching, due to that couple’s faithfulness and diligence in
following God’s Will for them.
“God in
his providence has two ways of blessing marriages: one by giving them children;
and the other, sometimes, because he loves them so much, by not giving them
children. I don’t know which is the better blessing. In any event, let one accept his own.” ~Bl. Josemaria Escriva
Let each accept his own cross. If you are suffering with infertility, remember you are not
alone. I found solace in a small
group of friends who had similar experiences and a group of Catholic Bloggers
who write about their infertility and treatments. Some have had children, some are still waiting, but reading
about their experiences helped me through some harder times. We all have our crosses and I am
certain that every one of us has felt the sting of having life turn in a
difficult direction we hadn’t anticipated. Infertility is our cross. Some days I lovingly embrace it, and not so much
others. But what keeps me sane is
the underlying contentment in knowing that I am right where I am supposed to
be…and cruising to the Bahamas helps quite a bit too.
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| Tell me, what's not relaxed about this? |
wow, Sarah this is one of the most beautifully written posts on IF I have ever ready. No doubt the Lord has worked on your heart and it has blazed brightly through your marriage and relationship with Him.
ReplyDeleteI would love to be able to reprint this for the NFP office I work in. If this is ok, please email me at findingjoyineveryjourney at gmail dot come.
beautiful.
Sure E - go right ahead. :)
DeleteThank you, Sarah, for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Lord, I hope I have never told you or any other woman to eat more "womb fruits"..... If I have, I beg forgiveness! This post will stay with me and help me to be more sensitive and understanding. I am personally most grateful to two couples in particular who do not have children who have taught me through their heroic generosity what it means to be in a Christian marriage. They have lived such inspirational lives of love and charity that I am in awe of them. Having children isn the only way to be sanctified, that's for sure!!
ReplyDeleteLOL - no it definitely wasn't you! It's true, there are so many ways God can sanctify you. And it isn't always in the exact way you think it will be. Thank you for your comment.
DeleteBeautiful post on a very painful subject, one I know too well (I'm 44 years old and never married, though I too had expected to marry and have children). Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, I agree with the others. This is a beautifully written post on the subject of IF. We've been married for 9 years and also suffer from IF. IF can be a cross to bear and a very silent and painful thing to suffer. Many folks don't understand. Thank you so much for posting!
ReplyDeleteThank you Peggy. It is a difficult cross to bear, but I do try and keep in my mind the positive things about being childless at the moment - having uninterrupted sleep, being mobile and able to go out on dates with my husband without a big to-do, etc. Not that I would intentionally do anything to hamper our fertility for these things...but they're nice to enjoy and not take for granted.
DeleteSarah, Thank you for writing this and for any sharing that you have done with me. I have always felt deeply honoured when you share with me. Also, I hope that I have never offered any womb-fruit advice - forgive me if I have. And, in regards to your marriage, I have been edified by the example of you and Jason. Yours is a strong and beautiful marriage and obviously one of great friendship. You guys give me a kick in the pants that this thing is as much about our marriage (or even more so) than it is about the kids. I need to be reminded of this. Each time that the two of you drive by I am reminded that I need to pursue my hubby a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteElena - you and Dave are so awesome! Thank you! And I can't imagine you ever giving womb-fruit advice to anyone - you'd probably bust out laughing if you did!!
DeleteThank you for sharing your heart so openly here. I agree with it all, as an IF gal myself. I love the quote by Bl. Josemaria Escriva!
ReplyDeleteE just re-posted this for a group of us on a private FB group, and I'm reading it for the first time - simply beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to outline it so carefully. And, of course, thank you for sharing your pain so that others' might have theirs relieved.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy! :)
DeleteMy husband and I have been married 16 years and have also not been blessed with children. I have autoimmune infertility. I understand all that you have said here. I used to cry every Sunday at church when I would hear babies crying. Finally I met friends who were also infertile. Then they all adopted. We couldn't, but by then we had finally accepted what God has chosen for us. God has given us a different vocation.
ReplyDeleteWow Monica, thanks for sharing! It is a great blessing to be able to accept what God has chosen for us. May He continue to bless you and your husband.
DeleteThis is a beautiful post on a difficult and sensitive subject. My husband and I have experienced infertility for the 7 years of our marriage, however we were able to adopt two beautiful girls. Thank you for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteJust came across this through a FB group, thanks for sharing. We just reached 4 years IF. I am going to share it with my hubby and IF support group. I am sure they will blessed too. One of the unexpectedly difficulties for me in dealing with IF is the fear of growing old alone, without children/grandchilden, etc. You are the first person I've ever heard also acknowledge this. In my fears about the future, I also pray to remember that God will never leave me. ...p.s. Luv the St. Josemaria quote! :)
ReplyDelete